greetings from smuggler mountain

dear reader,

the last time i wrote, i was preparing myself physically and mentally for a drive across the country to what felt like an impossibly new life. i was feeling a lot of things, from excitement to real disappointment. as i’m writing this, i’m sitting on a bench at the top of smuggler mountain in aspen, colorado, and the only things i’m feeling are the soreness in my legs and feet and a whole lot of gratitude for the path that brought me here. 

a lot has happened in the last month. i’ve found myself completely immersed in a new job, which has brought some really exciting new passions and possibilities into my scope of potential opportunity. i have felt so fulfilled by my work, especially as it relates to the production and management of part of the business of the festival. this has also inspired some really major realizations about my aspirations in the next five and ten years, and given me new direction as i prepare for graduate school.

i’ve also been surrounded by an entirely new group of peers and friends, which has been exciting and challenging at the same time. on one hand, i miss some of the comfort and ease of life in ithaca, but i feel myself growing as i connect with new people in new ways. i feel lucky to be able to share myself in a new environment, and have more of a deeper understanding of who that self is. i have proven to myself that i can be resilient through a challenge that i would never have expected, which put me through some awful physical and mental trials during my first week of work. and i have come out of those hard and weird times feeling alive, and even more ready to just be alive. 

i honestly haven’t been “practicing” as much as i should, but i’ve been singing more than ever. i have new people to make music with at midnight, and snippets of songs that come to me when i need to express a feeling. i have new creative ideas, and am ready to focus in, and feel prepared to begin a masters degree in performance in just about a month. i’m still so excited to be moving to baltimore and starting my degree at peabody, and have even more ideas about how that time can prepare me for the things i want to do.

another area of inspiration has been focused on transforming this newsletter into a larger, more accessible project. to those dedicated to reading it: don’t worry, this isn’t going anywhere. if anything, you’ll be getting the most immediate access to new content and projects as i release them. this group of subscribers will be the first to hear about plans and changes in my life and creative endeavors, but there will be some exciting new expansions to other social platforms and audiences coming soon. this is purposefully vague, but keep an eye out for more soon :)

that’s about all i have for today; the sun is setting, and i still have about 3 miles on this trail until i can get back down to my car. i hope you’re having a great summer so far, and get to watch some beautiful sunset colors soon. 

love,

caitlin

a posthike postscript:

i just sat down to eat a slice of toast after a truly exhilarating trip back down the mountain. i decided at the last minute that i would take the long way down, and it turned out that it truly was the long way. it got quite dark, and i was very alone on a trail that i could not recognize if i tried. but i had to keep walking, even running at times, because that was the way back. i knew that safety and security was waiting for me, but i had to keep pushing through the darkness to get there. i had texts from two really meaningful new friends that kept me looking forward to the rest of the night and the morning, and i had music that i could listen to that kept me going. and so i kept going.

i felt it, without realizing, but i didn’t realize until now how truly profound of a metaphor this hike had become for the rest of my recent experiences. the joy of climbing a difficult mountain, alone; the reward of the light at the top, and the challenge of continuing on after, through the woods and past the creek. i wish there was a way to define the changes that i’ve experienced, but i know the only thing i can do is experience them. all i know is that life is going to keep going. i don’t know what it will look like, and i’m sure that if i told myself a year ago about the last 48 hours, i would have no way to believe it. but there’s no reason to keep satisfying the expectations that i had of myself even a few months ago. there are no rules, only experiences, and i want to keep experiencing them, even when it hurts.

the mountains are so beautiful. i’m still in disbelief that i get to wake up here, to drive to work and the grocery store here, to figure these things out about my self and my mind here. i couldn’t take this for granted if i tried, and that's the one thing that i don’t want to try.